http://www.leslidoares.com Taking the fear out of marriage and relationships Wed, 01 May 2013 18:14:19 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Taking the fear out of marriage and relationships Lesli Doares no Copyright protected by Leslie Doares Taking the fear out of marriage and relationships http://www.leslidoares.com/wp-content/plugins/powerpress/rss_default.jpg http://www.leslidoares.com Monthly http://www.leslidoares.com/relationship-resolution-4-be-present/ http://www.leslidoares.com/relationship-resolution-4-be-present/#comments Wed, 01 May 2013 15:34:56 +0000 Guest http://www.leslidoares.com/?p=1587 http://www.leslidoares.com/relationship-resolution-4-be-present/feed/ 0 Commitment,communication,relationship commitment,Relationships "We tell people what our priorities are by how we spend our time." Laura Vanderkam, author of 168 Hours - As a marriage therapist, I am often asked what are the problems that drive couples to my office. One of the most common and, in my view, "We tell people what our priorities are by how we spend our time." Laura Vanderkam, author of 168 Hours As a marriage therapist, I am often asked what are the problems that drive couples to my office. One of the most common and, in my view, saddest is when couples describe their relationship as being more like roommates than spouses. They frequently describe their life together as one of parallel existence with limited meaningful interaction, let alone any real intimacy. Causes.  The litany of their daily activities of work, child care, meal prep, laundry, television and surfing the internet may resonate with you too. When I inquire about how much they converse with each other or engage in activities together, I'm frequently met with blank stares and comments about "there's no time". As the working mother of two children myself, I get it. The squeaky wheel gets the attention and children, work, and household chores are often squeakier than our spouses. When you've completed all the "have to" items, the lure of spacing out on the t.v. or the computer until time for bed may be too much to resist. This is especially true if your spouse is responding to the same siren call for winding down. You may think you're present with each other because you're sitting in the same room, maybe even next to each other on the couch. But if you're focused on your own activities instead of really interacting with each other, you're really living lives in parallel. This may leave you both feeling lost and alone instead of secure and loved. Important.  It is important to be fully present when you are with your partner. It's not enough to merely engage in what I call informational exchange. This is how many couples talk to each other. It is the quick and relatively impersonal conversation that happens several times a day, usually in less than five minute spurts. "What time will you be home tonight?" Will you be able to take Susie to her soccer practice?" "Can you pick up some milk when you're out?" These exchanges are important, but they don't bring the two of you closer together. It isn't enough just to know how your partner's day was. It's important to know how they feel about it. Being present means taking the time to really focus on what your partner is saying and how it is being said. It means paying attention not just to their words but to their tone, facial expressions, and body language. This is where the real information about your partner comes from. You will miss it if you aren't really present. Make Time.  Make time to be intentionally present with your partner. This may mean making it a priority over the laundry or getting the kids lunches ready for the next day. It may mean scheduling it. It definitely means turning off the television, shutting off your iPad, and putting down your Smart phone. It means not just hearing your partner's words but really listening to their thoughts, feelings, opinions, and beliefs. As you really tune in to your partner, and they to you, you increase the closeness in your relationship. You will minimize the miscommunications and false assumptions that can create confusion and tension in your relationship. This lays the groundwork for the increased intimacy so many couples are searching for. How About You?If you are applying these resolutions, I would love to know how your relationship is changing. Let me know what's working and what isn't. Don't forget to join me next month when we address Resolution #5. The podcast for Resolution 4 is below.   Lesli Doares no 17:23 http://www.leslidoares.com/relationship-resolution-3-let-go/ http://www.leslidoares.com/relationship-resolution-3-let-go/#comments Mon, 01 Apr 2013 17:44:44 +0000 LesliDoares http://www.leslidoares.com/?p=1549 http://www.leslidoares.com/relationship-resolution-3-let-go/feed/ 0 Commitment,communication,Intimacy,marriage,Relationships "You don’t need strength to let go of something. What you really need is understanding". – Guy Finley In his book, The New Rules of Marriage, my colleague, Terry Real, identifies five losing strategies people engage in that harm their marriages. "You don’t need strength to let go of something. What you really need is understanding". – Guy Finley In his book, The New Rules of Marriage, my colleague, Terry Real, identifies five losing strategies people engage in that harm their marriages. The first of these strategies is "needing to be right." This strategy is exemplified by the presenting of "objective" evidence that supports your position. The ensuing conversation frequently devolves into whose version of the problem or memory is more accurate. Right or Wrong? If you and your partner engage in this strategy, you know first hand the difficulties it causes. Because if one of you is "right", by definition the other must be "wrong".  Not to mention, whichever one of you is "wrong" probably doesn't feel very good about being in that position. This is most likely because one or both of you becomes self-righteously indignant. Once one of you ends up here, you will never find a solution because you have stopped looking for one. One of the challenges to changing this strategy of needing to be right is that, quite often, you are indeed right. The question that then needs to be asked is, "Is my partner also right?" Because it is also possible, maybe even likely, that they are too. This is true because what you are disagreeing about isn't the facts, but how each of you feel about those facts. It isn't a question of whether or not you have the dollars in your bank account to take a vacation but whether you think that is a good use for those dollars. You each can argue your position until you're blue in the face and you will both be "right". You are also doing damage to your relationship. What Really Matters.  Another question worth asking about being right is, "Does it matter?" This is what's at the heart of Dr. Phil's, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Terry has a corollary--do you want to be right or do you want to be married? Is it enough to know you are factually correct about something or does everyone else have to know it too? If you're talking about the address of the doctor's office or the area of the room you're wanting to carpet, it might matter. But if your partner misspoke or misremembered the exact day of the week your mother left, what's the point? Needing to be right erodes intimacy. You can hold your own position and respect your partner's at the same time. It doesn't require agreeing with it, or even understanding it. It only requires the ability to hear it and validate it as being important to your partner. Commitment.  You can make the commitment to let go of needing to be right at any time. Some suggestions that might help you with this: Identify if you and your partner are discussing facts or opinion. Look for aspects of your partner's position that align with yours. Determine if the outcomes of each of your positions would truly be different. Listen to your partner's perspective with an open mind and heart. Examine what your stake in being "right" is and how that promotes/hurts your relationship. Identify when you move into self-righteous indignation and how your partner responds. Investigate what it says about you if you don't get your way. "Wear" your partner's position for a day and evaluate how you feel. As you become aware of when needing to be right enters your relationship, I'm sure you will think of other ways you can deal with it. When you remove this "right/wrong", "you vs. me" tug-of-war from your relationship, you will be able to connect with your partner in a more loving, positive way. How about you?  Let me know how you're progressing as you implement these resolutions. I would love to share your successes. For more on how to "let go", check out the podcast. Join me next month for Resolution #4. Lesli Doares no 16:31 http://www.leslidoares.com/relationship-resolution-2-be-together/ http://www.leslidoares.com/relationship-resolution-2-be-together/#comments Fri, 01 Mar 2013 10:36:31 +0000 LesliDoares http://www.leslidoares.com/?p=1492 http://www.leslidoares.com/relationship-resolution-2-be-together/feed/ 0 Commitment,communication,marriage,marriage advice,resolutions “The first kiss and the first glass of wine are the best.” ― Marty Rubin, journalist   - “To seek contentment is to release the novelty that lies within monotony” ― Ilyas Kassam, poet - The First Time:  You can only experience "the first time" once. “The first kiss and the first glass of wine are the best.” ― Marty Rubin, journalist   “To seek contentment is to release the novelty that lies within monotony” ― Ilyas Kassam, poet The First Time:  You can only experience "the first time" once. Yet the desire to recapture this moment continually drives us. It's what keeps heroin addicts chasing the experience of their first high and it is what's often behind the expression, "I love my partner, I'm just not in love with them anymore." Falling in love is like being high on drugs. Our brains release neurotransmitters that make us feel wonderful, energized, and connected to the object of our affection. In fact, falling in love has been wired into human brains by design. The natural "drugs" that are part of our rewards system are key to bringing two people together to mate and ensure the survival of the species. Familiarity and routine dims the production of these natural "drugs" over time, often leading to a sense of monotony and disappointment that this is all there is. Hope:  The good news is that it doesn't have to be. One of those brain drugs continues to be accessible if you know how. Dopamine is linked to the brain's reward and pleasure centers and is released when you engage in novel and pleasant activities. Just the kind of things that brought you and your partner together in the first place. Mixing up the routine in your life, doing new and fun things with your partner, will allow your brains to fall in love with each other over and over again. Sharing positive experiences grounds your relationship and is like an insurance policy for the challenging times. Making time to be together is important if you want a long, happy marriage.  A weekly date that is purely for fun, not to talk about finances, kids, or the relationship. Some things you can do together: Cook dinner together Read a book to each other Take a class or lessons in something new for both of you Explore a new place Get physical--hike, kayak, go for a walk, have sex Take a couple's only vacation Play a game.Take in a show or sporting event. Try a new restaurant or food type. Goals:  Once you get going, I'm sure you will come up with your own ideas. The goal is to shake it up, get out of your routine on a regular basis. Release that dopamine and create new memories. Make it a habit to reconnect in new ways and you'll fall in love and stay in love. Let me know what novel ideas you came up with and I will be happy to pass them on. Tell me about your challenges and we'll find a way to turn them into successes. Comment below or contact me here. I am looking forward to your thoughts. BONUS FEATURE:  Don't forget to check out the podcast about Resolution 2:  Be Together featuring Lesli Doares, Relationship Coach. Lesli Doares no 15:56 http://www.leslidoares.com/relationship-resolution-1-be-kind/ http://www.leslidoares.com/relationship-resolution-1-be-kind/#comments Fri, 01 Feb 2013 12:25:02 +0000 LesliDoares http://www.leslidoares.com/?p=1405 http://www.leslidoares.com/relationship-resolution-1-be-kind/feed/ 0 Commitment,communication,marriage,Relationships,resolutions,tips There is a saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt." Unfortunately, this is often a result in marriage. One way this shows up is in how spouses treat each other. - In the early days of a relationship, all thought is given to how each can make the other h... There is a saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt." Unfortunately, this is often a result in marriage. One way this shows up is in how spouses treat each other. In the early days of a relationship, all thought is given to how each can make the other happy. Once ensconced in wedded bliss, the effort often begins to subside. One way to bring it back is to focus on being kind to each other. In the late 80's, a huge public service push was made on the importance of words from a parent to a child. The campaign's message was that "words matter". While it was fine to let a child know that their behavior was unacceptable, it was stressed that calling a child names was not only harmful, but inexcusable. Oh, that such a campaign existed for spouses. Upset or Unkind:  Being upset with your partner is bound to happen. Being unkind is a choice. Calling your partner names or sitting in judgment on their behavior is not a recipe for a successful, happy marriage. Relationships are reciprocal. How you make your partner feel is going to be reflected in their behavior back to you. Putting positive behaviors toward your partner into the pipeline will result in good will back to you. Therefore, the biggest resolution bang for the buck you can make is to be kind to your spouse. According to Lao Tze, "Kindness in giving creates love". It is also the opposite of contempt--one of John Gottman's Four Horsemen of the (Marital) Apocalypse. Contempt involves name-calling, personal insults, mockery, hostile humor, and disrespectful body language suchs as rolling your eyes. If any of these behaviors are present in your marriage, a move towards kindness can reap huge rewards. Even a marriage that has been marred by negative, angry or hurtful remarks can often be rescued by filling the home with words and actions that elicit positive emotions, psychology research has shown. Kindness:  Kindness in a marriage shouldn't be random, but intentional. Some ideas you can try: Smile and nod encouragingly when your partner is talking to you. Ask if you can get your partner anything from upstairs, the kitchen, wherever you are going. Turn the light or TV down, or go to another room, if your spouse is trying to sleep. Soften your tone when you ask your partner to do something. Do a chore your spouse normally does. Put the toilet seat down, pick up your shoes, or whatever long-term request your partner has made. Offer encouragement where you might usually criticize. Happily accompany your partner to an event you previously have avoided. Let them sleep in if the dog needs to go out or the baby cries. Refrain from correcting your spouse when their true meaning was clear. I'm sure you can think of many more ways to be kind to your spouse. Frequent, small gestures are often more powerful than an occasional large one. Promise yourself to do one kindness a day. I guarantee you will feel more loving by month's end. Feel free to comment below or contact my office at (919) 924-0463 and let me know how it's going. I would love to hear about both your successes and your challenges. BONUS FEATURE:  Click the link here for a special podcast featuring Lesli discussing Resolution 1: Be Kind. Coming Soon:  Don't forget to join me next month when we'll tackle Resolution #2.  What do you think it will be?   Lesli Doares no 16:20 http://www.leslidoares.com/how-to-affair-proof-your-marriage-2/ http://www.leslidoares.com/how-to-affair-proof-your-marriage-2/#comments Tue, 22 Jan 2013 06:28:40 +0000 LesliDoares http://www.leslidoares.com/?p=1229 http://www.leslidoares.com/how-to-affair-proof-your-marriage-2/feed/ 0 http://www.leslidoares.com/10-resolutions-for-a-great-marriage/ http://www.leslidoares.com/10-resolutions-for-a-great-marriage/#comments Wed, 02 Jan 2013 06:56:02 +0000 LesliDoares http://www.leslidoares.com/?p=1335 http://www.leslidoares.com/10-resolutions-for-a-great-marriage/feed/ 2 http://www.leslidoares.com/why-looking-good-matters-in-your-marriage/ http://www.leslidoares.com/why-looking-good-matters-in-your-marriage/#comments Tue, 18 Dec 2012 06:11:33 +0000 LesliDoares http://www.leslidoares.com/?p=1231 http://www.leslidoares.com/why-looking-good-matters-in-your-marriage/feed/ 2 http://www.leslidoares.com/the-aftermath-of-an-affair/ http://www.leslidoares.com/the-aftermath-of-an-affair/#comments Mon, 19 Nov 2012 16:42:11 +0000 LesliDoares http://www.leslidoares.com/?p=1219 http://www.leslidoares.com/the-aftermath-of-an-affair/feed/ 0