Real giving is when we give to our spouses what’s important to them, whether we understand it, like it, agree with it or not. Michele Weiner-Davis, author and marriage coach
One of the challenges in marriage is to figure out the difference between your and your partner’s wants and needs. This can lead to a lot of confusion because we are limited by both language and our own view of the world. If something isn’t important to us, it’s hard to grasp how important it can be to someone else.
How often have you found yourself wanting to understand why your partner wants something or feels a certain way? You may not think leaving your shoes in the corner of the bedroom is that big of a deal but your partner keeps harping on it over and over again. You may be frustrated that your partner doesn’t tell you how great you look after you have spent considerable time getting ready for a night out.
These things don’t happen because you don’t care. They happen because you have different needs and expectations. What gets in the way of doing what works is your need to understand why your partner feels the way they do. As Michele Weiner-Davis says, “Understanding is overrated.”
I hate the color pink. I can’t tell you why I don’t like it; I just don’t. What is more, I don’t expect to have to convince anyone, especially my husband, of the “rightness” of my feelings. What I hope is that my feeling is honored.
Feelings and needs are neither right nor wrong. They just are. Giving is about the other person. It’s about what makes them feel good, not what you would want in their place. In fact, real giving shouldn’t be extremely easy for you. It’s not about what you understand, but what fits for your partner.
Fearless Marriage Activities to Keep Love Alive:
Day One: Compliment your partner on something important to them.
Day Two: Make your spouse’s favorite dinner.
Day Three: Give your partner time to engage in their favorite activity.
Day Four: Do the household task your spouse dislikes doing the most.
Day Five: Watch your partner’s favorite movie or television show with them.
Day Six: Plan a day with several of your spouse’s favorite activities.
Day Seven: Honor a long-standing request your partner has been making.
Related Posts:
- The Magic of a Loving Response
- The Art of Knowing Your Partner’s Emotional Needs
- Five Ways to Stay Attractive to Your Spouse
If you have a question about marriage or relationships, check out Lesli’s book.
Photo: Master isolated images
Dear Lesli,
Thank you so much for your articles. You see, there are many ways of killing a rat. I subscribed to another marriage site but its articles make you always feel that you are a marriage failure. They concentrate on the failures in your marriage. Yours,(fearless) show how nice marriage can be. What we can do to make it even better. Thanks for the positive attitude. Margaret
Margaret
I really appreciate your comments and support. I’m psychotically optimistic that people can have great relationships. The key is to let them know what works and help them implement it. It’s something we don’t do very well as a society. So, I will keep tilting at this particular windmill and be grateful for readers like you. Please feel free to share any posts you find helpful.